2013

So, this year 2013 is already on its final hour. I cannot help but feel lonely yet happy at the same time. I feel lonely because it feels like finally saying goodbye to a friend you’ll never see again. I feel happy because another year will come with so many things to be learned.  

I usually feel nostalgic every New Year’s Eve, but this one's quite different from the usual. I feel emotional (or maybe I’m hormonal). However, despite everything I feel, I am grateful this year. It may not be my best year, but I learned a lot. I think I can safely say I’ve grown (a little).

If there's one thing I learned this year, it's about learning to choose and keep friends. Two people who I called 'friends' have insulted, hurt and offended me. It hurts to know that the people who I considered friends were the ones who caused such pain. 

Then, I recall my mother saying, "A true friend never belittles you. No matter how close you are, they will never belittle nor humiliate you to other people."

Yeah, sure. Anyone can be your friend. People might even stay in your life for quite sometime. But despite the closeness and bond you have shared, although you share a great deal of comfort, they will never-- EVER-- humiliate you. They understand your shortcomings and your flaws. They can laugh about it, but they will never use it against you to insult and humiliate you.

So, yes. There are people worth keeping as much as there are people worth ditching. Get rid of people who hurt you, they take so much of your time you could've spend being happy.

Another thing I learned this year: you grow by welcoming changes.

If you are resistant to changes that constantly occur in your life, you will never appreciate the beauty and nature of life itself. Confining yourself to the things your accustomed to will never teach you new things nor will ever let you be aware of the growing and moving world around you.

Finally, I learned to let go.

At the start of the year, I always feel unhappy deep down myself. I spent years to find the cause of this undefined loneliness. However, during our silent 3-day retreat, it dawned on me the reason of my loneliness and sadness: I was too me.

Everything starts and ends with me. I never found happiness because I am never contented with myself nor am I patient with myself. When I realized that life is way better letting go, I tried to step up.

It wasn't easy. I had been enveloped by my own insecurities, fears and doubts. But well, if you just trust yourself and God, you'll eventually learn how to go with it.

Life isn't perfect. That makes it perfect. Crap happens, but it teaches you how to live. Getting hurt is the best and solid way to learn (at least for me).

Thanks 2013, for the bountiful (I claim it is!) and for a very meaningful year. I welcomed you openly regardless of the uncertainty you brought. Didn't expect anything, but you definitely taught me so much. For now, just like breaking up, it's time to let you go. 

Hello, 2014. What you got for me? :)

Satire

Time and time again, I have inconsistently pushed myself to write in this empty blog, but tonight... some significant happening inspired me to do so-- but in a negative way.

Before you read this blog, may I remind you that this post is made out of frustration, hurt and spite. From this part, you may move on and stop yourself from reading this.

First and foremost, I am not insensitive. You may find me laughing at your jokes, enjoying them even. Amazingly, I have high tolerance for insults, satire, nonsense and insensitive jokes. But tonight, what you did was just intolerably, insultingly, hurtfully, offensively ...bull. Though I have my slow moments, I can tell whether a joke was done for fun or for insult. You, however, had clearly done it for the latter. What you did was just way, way over the top. I have been trying to be patient with your nonsense for a long time, I even avoided you because of the insult you have done on me. How stupid of me to even try reaching out this time. Shame on me for allowing you to do it on me... TWICE. Again, I am not insensitive. I guess I was just being too optimist to consider you as one of my friends.
Tonight, I realized that considering you one makes me lose my self-respect and self-esteem. Having you as a 'friend' is like insulting myself. Why in the world do we have friends who mock us for who we are and insult us with our shortcomings? Bull.

Second, I am not dumb. I have my moments. I think way too differently than you do. Just because I have my own way of perceiving and comprehending things doesn't mean I don't understand. There are things that you are expert on, while there are things you're not. Just happens that most things that you know, I'm not good at. But again. That doesn't mean I'm dumb-- so don't treat me one. I'm pretty sure you know how that feels.

Lastly, yes. We are poor. My family is poor. We're not rich, we don't have luxuries and what-else you have-- but we have dignity. Just because we're here rock bottom, doesn't mean we're underachievers. Doesn't mean we have no manners nor breeding. Just because we're poor doesn't mean we're uneducated. Just because we're poor doesn't mean we're less of a person. Just because we're poor, doesn't mean you can treat us like that.

Shame on you.

One day, when the wheels of fate have turned, you'll realize that. 

My Daily 15 Minutes: Friends

During my retreat, I was encouraged to spend at least fifteen(15) minutes in silence to reflect more on my life, self and others. I have never put that to practice until today. I don't know if I will be able to sustain this daily habit, but this will be an attempt. :)

Today, I thought of my friends. Good friends, old friends. Some came, some left. It bothered me that most friends (who I just had few years ago) either backstabbed or turned their backs behind me. Only a few left. It made me wonder, Am I a bad person that the people who I considered my 'true friends' left me? Or have I expected too much of the definition of 'friendship' and 'trust'? or maybe I'm just not used to people talking behind my back?

I know for a fact that sometimes I have the tendency to get preeeeetty annoying but for sure, (and sadly) it wasn't intentional. I may act differently, but I never had mean or bad intentions for anyone. I guess I'm just always misunderstood by the dynamic and random facial expressions I have. And my voice? Uh. I'm sensitive to noise, but I'm not sensitive to my voice. (Seriously.)

I guess it's because sometimes in our life, we get hurt. That's reality. It's just a shame that I trusted those people. Misplaced trust, I'd coin it. Then eventually, I realized --that generally-- in my life, I have placed my trust in the very wrong people and when that hits me, it just. hurts.

I remember an old, good friend who said, that it's better to leave a little percent of that trust to yourself to keep people from betraying you. (Well, I cannot give a precise connotation of that, but that's the point) Prevent people from getting too close.Before I was disagreeing with it because I figured it's too selfish. Today, however, I reflected that maybe no. It wasn't. It's right to keep a little to yourself.. for self-defense at least.

And no. I don't think anyone's generally bad or mean. No one is. Perhaps just misunderstood.

I guess I need to reflect more to determine who among those people deserve my preserved 10% trust.

This blogpost is too serious mehn. :s

here's a random pic:

One of the pictures that I look really annoying. Yes, I'm continuing my self hating for this post. xD

The End of My First Year

So here I am, forcing (force is such a powerful word) myself to write something decent since it's been the longest time since I actually wrote something.

Well to tell you honestly, I've been contemplating for quite awhile now.

You know the feeling that while you're on your way to the computer or laptop, you're so eager to write so many things and ideas from your mind but when you try to type it-- it just goes out like crap?? Like this one?

Oh dear. Lemme start over again.

So the school year just ended (two months ago. I'm so outdated with my blogging skills.) and I amazingly passed-slash-survived my first year, man! Oh you have no idea how happy I was knowing I passed (if you look at my rantings about my days in school from my previous posts you'll feel me.)

My first year was the most memorable one because 1. I have no other experiences but this year and 2. the first will always be memorable.

My first year also gave me the first bite of reality to my life (oh wait. prior to that, I've had bad experience from my previous working place so I guess no. That's wrong). I've seen the real world that my parents have really sheltered me from and at first, it sucked. But I guess, I kinda learned how to deal with it.

My class was most of the time, chaotic (classroom management ain't easy in my first year 'ya know), but in the 4 out of 10 times, they are manageable and sweet little kids. Though you can't really avoid seeing a kid playing the deviant one.They make the class interesting and hyped up (in a good and bad sense). But well, I definitely learned from this kids.

It's kinda bittersweet. I'm happy that I can finally start the school year with my students-- but I'm sad because I'm really-- sincerely going to miss them.

I wish I could post more pictures of my kids but I doubt that's a good idea.

. 

This new school year will be new and I'm definitely, surely, positively going to be heaps better.

I'm excited with the seminars we'll be attending (and the snacks that come along with that too), the numbers of training will be provided with (again with the snacks) and the skills and knowledge I'll be learning from it.

Though for sure I know I won't be excited with my weight by the start of the school year, I'm also excited because aside from being busy and learning new things by summer, I'm enrolling myself for my Master's Degree meeehn! I'm so ecstatic to be a student again. I'm not sure if I'm biting more than I can chew, but I think and I hope I can manage. They said the second year being on Probationary status is the most crucial year.

I hope by the end of the this school year, I can proudly say I passed my first year in Masters aaaand my second year! Oh dear. I sound such an optimistic kid. Never knew I could be that again.

I'm between being an obsessive compulsive young adult in determining my goals at a certain time of my life by listing them all down-- but I'm wondering if I should just go with the flow to avoid frustrations. I dunno. I'll get there . I'll achieve my goals and I'm sure of it.

Just even thinking of it makes me foresee myself wearing that red toga for the master's degree. (Though I sincerely hope I can skip the thesis writing part.)

But for now, I'd like to stick on this memory:

Waiting. Taken during my college graduation when they gave that award I've worked hard to achieve. *Yay!* 

How do I feel, really?

Time and time again I told myself to start writing before the year 2012 ended but unfortunately, I never really did. Now it's already March and I wasn't able to achieve my usual tradition of encapsulating the year before the clock ticks to midnight.

To make it short, 2012 was my year. God is good to me that year. I was able to achieve my goals for myself academically, emotionally, financially and physically (yes, I was able to hit my goal weight before the year ended. ;) )  and slowly, my dreams are becoming a reality.

Today, I am going to write about how I feel. I am very happy that I passed my first year in teaching. I know I am not perfect nor good, but I am learning. I can really see how much I have learned. It makes me happy. I have been happy for the longest duration of time since I graduated college. For that, I am really, really grateful for all the blessings He has given me.

However, at the back of my mind, some things have been bothering me.

Meeting different people from all walks of life has made me more aware of the diversity of personalities. It had also surprised me for I had always been more of a loner than a sociable person.

I keep on reminding myself, "Forgive yourself for the wrong things you have done and do better next time. Just always do your best. Learning never stops. The best way to learn is to have an open mind and to take all difficulties as a challenge."

My point is-- you can never satisfy everyone. Just be true to yourself.  It is pointless to try to make someone like you when they hate you at the first place. People will judge you according to the values they grew up with and to what they think is right and... unfortunately, we all have different values.

I keep on reminding myself, I am not perfect. 
I am not perfect, but I do my best to be the best I can be. I do pray that He will guide me to be a better friend, daughter, lover, teacher and a person.

I still have so many things in mind, but I guess some things are better left unsaid.

I DO hope all these emo stuff just comes from the time of the month or some random pessimism wave. XD